Cyndi Speaks

I recently had a week to myself, a week to clean, to listen to theological CDs, to read, to think. I am changed now that I am a mother, more grown up, less selfish, and maybe a bit more accepting, but there is still plenty there besides being a full time mother. When the kiddos came back, much of this person goes on hold, for there is no time for in-depth theological or philosophical studies. But there is more time every year for the kids need me less and less. Some people think I must resent staying home with the kids, and ‘wasting’ my education. The truth is that I am so grateful that I have this precious time with them when they really want me and need me. I am glad to have as much of a hand in who they become as I can, a little helper of two of God’s great creations. Is there a nobler or more enjoyable profession than motherhood? Being entrusted with someone that God died to save is a pretty big responsibility. Truth is I love my job, though of coarse there are those times, I think can I do this anymore, can I read one more kids story? But it is good to know that there is still plenty I want to do when I have time, I have not lost myself in taking care of my kids so fully, I am simply exercising some different muscles. When I do get around to more in-depth learning and thinking again, I think my current experiences as a mother with have given depth to what I want to write. Perhaps all experiences honestly examined and thought through, are beneficial to increased wisdom.
On another note, we have a kitten, a little adolescent now who has been much improved by fixing and declawing I thought a few of you would enjoy the fact that at times his appropriate name to me is Kairo, which means joy. At other times he is definitely a Sméagol, from the Lord of the Rings. He still has no fixed name, but I think the kids are leaning towards Kikki. No idea where that one came from.
I have also been enjoying reading Roark’s blogs, but I admit that my mind is old and rusty. I have also been reading a book, Searching for An Adequate God, Edited by Pinnock, which was one of the theologians Roark related to. Between all of this, I feel quite overwhelmed to comment. Part of me thought, after reading Roark’s blog for the first time, why open up this can of worms again. I am settled in what I believe, if I don’t have a need to think about it why do so? Then I realized that I was becoming like all the old people in the pews who nod off routinely during sermons, thinking they will not miss anything because they have heard it all before. I do not want to stop growing, so I got my lazy mind up off of fiction novels only and entered once more the world of philosophy and theology. And I am so glad I did. I have more questions than before, but I am stretching, and slowly I find my ideas of God are expanding beyond what was there previously. The more we know of Him, the better we can love Him and the better we can point others to him, and help them over their misconceptions that trip them up. As with a lover, is it ever good to stop increasing knowledge and intimacy, and one can not exist without the other. Let me challenge any of our friends who are reading, slow down the TV and read some theology. I am expectantly looking for your comments on his blogs because they will encourage me and hold me accountable to staying the course.

A few days later….I am angry tonight. Angry with all the people who tell others it is pointless to think about God, angry with all those who won’t think with me, angry with those who are content with easy answers and so darned sure of their interpretations. I have been mulling over some points of open theology, process theology and fundamental and Calvinistic theology. The main ones being does human free will influence outcomes or is it all set ahead of time, and is the world set up where God can or should come in and fix problems often. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic who has spent most of her life, even from the teen years, in institutions. I do not know how many of you have been in a mental institution, but it does not appear to be a place anyone would want to reside, and in the past it was even less so. She underwent scores of electroshock therapies. I get the impression that staff often take advantage of and are abusive to inmates who have no credible way of keeping them in check. She bounces around from case worker to case worker, institution to institution. Anyway, think of your mother or sister or daughter being stuck in such a place for their whole lives. Nothing you could do about it or to improve it. Then think does it matter to you if God preordained this as her life, or if she and those around her made choices that led to this outcome? Does it matter if God’s stepping in and performing a miracle in this case could in other ways interfere with personal freedoms or if maybe he just didn’t want to in this case? Is there anyone who wouldn’t kind of like to know these things if they were in these shoes? Then realize that even though you may not be in these shoes, there are lots of people out there who are in worse shoes, and that trite little answers or “well, I don’t see if it really makes a difference as to why God would do that?” are really answers that they need. I have to admit I would be interested to hear what comfort a Calvinist might offer me about her situation, and it would probably make me mad. But I think what makes me angrier is those who just won’t think and that rationalize this out as good. Of coarse, deep down, I suppose it is easy to focus that anger on others than to realize I am angry at myself for not being a better daughter, but that is another story.